It is something hard to admit, but most of the time I feel very lonely. It's not living by myself that bothers me, but never having someone to share life with.
I'll soon be 70 years old and have been a widow for almost 5 years now. But it seems like the days are getting lonelier. Coming home to an empty house will never get easy.
All I ever wanted in life was to be a wife, mother, and grandmother. Those roles fulfill me very much. But in this day and age, families aren't as close as they use to be.
My family is spread out everywhere. Texas, Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, and North Carolina.
I always wanted a big family that lived close by each other and at least one day a week, we would all get together and have a big family meal. And grandkids would always be filling my house with laughter and spending days and nights with me.
I know my family loves me and worries about me, but they have their own lives; and that is the way it should be. And I have all sons. We always taught them that their wives and families should be their first priority.
Even when you are around other people, there's a loneliness. I love traveling, but that doesn't interest as much. I don't have anyone to share the memories with - plus you have to be financially able to travel everywhere you would like to.
So here I am. Another lonely night of watching meaningless television shows, falling asleep on my couch, eating peanut butter sandwiches for supper (it's no fun cooking for one), and trying to figure out what to do with myself.
Please don't feel sorry for me, because that is not what I want. And getting older doesn't bother me. I think I just needed to express my feelings a little bit.
I always tell my kids that one day they will find me lying on the floor. I've fallen and I laid there undiscovered for days, maybe weeks. I'll be just a skeleton of my former self. "It could happen!"
Well, I'm through feeling sorry myself - I'm going to watch another Hallmark movie where the people are going to fall in love and live happily ever after.
Really, I am very blessed and thankful for the life I do have. I have a wonderful place to live and I am very thankful that I have a good church to go to, my friends (some of them are widows with the same feelings) and I am so blessed to have the greatest family a person can have.
Just sometimes it gets lonely....
